Confessions of a Hardened Heart: Do You Have One? Part 2

ardened hearts are all around us in every church, sphere of influence, and marketplace. For those affected, on the outside everything looks ok, but how the individual sees and perceives life is skewed as if looking through damaged glasses. Hardened hearts are so much more than what we once learned about in Sunday school. Understanding them is critical to walking in godly callings and giftings of the Holy Spirit today as believers. In this post, we will introduce an inventory of hardened heart characteristics to help each of us further examine our own hearts according to Scripture. This writing is truly my own confessions of a Hardened Heart-- Do you have one?

Hardened Hearts: Do You Have One?

For anyone who loves God, wants to be close to Him and obey Him, dealing with our hearts is a critical first step to aligning with God's ways. (see the first post in this series here.) Our hearts can be a storage place for baggage that has accumulated over life's many journeys both good and bad.

On the other hand, our hearts can also be cleansed and our minds renewed with the Word of God. It can be a place where mercy lives, drive, and motivation to love others can live. This, as I found, is entirely our own choice.

The Children of Israel Broke God's Heart

God's desire since the creation of man was to have a people of His own that were holy as He is holy. Holiness begins--you guessed it-- in the heart. God relates to each of us through our hearts and sees the state of it throughout our lives. The Bible tells us that the natural state of the heart is that it is sick, according to Jeremiah 17:9. It is ruled by our unrenewed and fleshly mind unless we do something to change it.

In Exodus 24:12-18 the Children of Israel broke the old covenant that God made with them (the 10 Commandments). Moses came down from the mountain only to find them worshipping a golden calf. Not only was this huge that they had broken the covenant with their God, but his own priest, Aaron, helped them create the golden calf. It was a heartbreaking thing for God and Moses. Afterward, God then decided to create a new covenant with them and this time:

"I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people." Jeremiah 31:33b ESV

A New Covenant Written on the Heart

Why do you suppose God wanted to do it this way instead of on tablets of stone again? He knew that hearts are evil naturally. If His law was on their hearts (by them remembering them by choice) they would obey it. The same is with us. When we write God's word on our hearts, we will more likely obey it, and in this we will have a new nature. This nature is not just bestowed upon us. We must be holy as God is holy. As Christians, we should want this because we love God! The habitation of His Presence and His ways should stir our hearts with longing to be where He is. Psalm 24:3-8 AMPC tells us who may come into God's presence:

"Who shall go up into the mountain of the Lord? Or who shall stand in His Holy Place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who has not lifted himself up to falsehood or to what is false, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive blessing from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation. This is the generation [description] of those who seek Him [who inquire of and for Him and of necessity require Him], who seek Your face, [O God of] Jacob. Selah [pause and think of that]! Lift up your heads, O you gates; and be lifted up, you age-abiding doors, that the King of glory may come in. Who is the King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle." Psalm 24:3 AMPC

Believers Have the Holy Spirit to Help

As believers, we memorize the Word of God and then the Holy Spirit that lives inside us will bring scripture to our minds so that we can choose to obey it in different situations we encounter in life. As we renew our minds with the Word of God, (by obeying it & memorizing it and paying attention to it) we can then see how the Word will literally transform our thinking (and then our hearts, words, and actions.) This is the ideal way God chooses for our hearts and minds to be restored and renewed. Our hearts and minds choose whether to have that new nature or not.

Every Experience We Have is Processed Through the Heart

Our hearts are like those lenses we spoke about earlier. Our hearts are the seat of the soul, mind, will, emotions, and in it contains motivation to do anything. To do anything--whether right or wrong--it's all processed first through the heart. If God's Word is there, we will more likely obey it. In Proverbs 4:23 we are charged to:

"Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23 AMPC

This scripture encourages us to pay attention to and guard our hearts because our lives come out of it. This is so very true! Since we see and perceive life though our hearts, (Those lenses) when we go through trauma, or someone wrongs us, or trials, we still process those events through those same hurt hearts. The trials and issues of life will weather these lenses. It can cause pain in our hearts and those lenses, can be damaged. How damaged they are depends upon us.

The Truth Written on the Heart Will Heal it

If we have written God's Word on our hearts, we know how to renew our minds and hearts to be restored again. If we do not, then the damage can stay and skew how we view life or believe God's Word. At this point, a healthy Christian, wanting to obey God and be a "doer" of the Word would allow the word to instruct them on how to change a hurtful situation encountered.

A person that is not obeying the Word in this state (Or simply does not know) will try to protect their heart from experiencing damage or pain again and walls will be created around their heart. This is the 'natural' way it will work unless an intentional act of mind renewal takes place.

Hurts Can Skew Your View of Yourself

When issues and uncared for hurts (skewing of lenses) stacks up, these issues of life can literally affect our ability to see our own hearts' condition correctly. It is like trying to see ourselves or our situations correctly through cracked or warped eye glass lenses. It's also like seeing out a window that has been barricaded with walls. We can't get the true picture! We think everything is fine and assume the problem we have now is everyone else's problem, but we cannot see how things really are with ourselves. Others can see issues, but we can't always.

We Are Responsible for the Condition of Our Hearts

According to Proverbs 4:23, You and I are responsible for our hearts. We must guard them. If we don't guard the things that pass through our hearts by healing with the written Word of God as the Truth, then hurt, pain, and disappointments in life can take steal our effectiveness in the Kingdom of God. These hearts need healing, tenderness, and ultimately freedom.

Many Paths to a Stony Heart: All Create Walls

There are many ways to have a hardened heart, but the effect for all of them is really the same: A stony heart, barricaded in with walls of protection. All this 'protection' makes one insensitive to many things in life. Most people in this state just want to know someone cares about them, to be held, to be told it will be okay. Many desire to feel the love of God, the love of a parent, a partner, a child, or hear the voice of the Lord, but as hard as they try, they just cannot feel it enough. They will always feel as if they are lacking love unless they will be willing to deal with their hearts. The love and security they crave should be received by their loving Heavenly Father, but it simply cannot be fully received.

Hardened hearts affect all aspects of one's life; keeping the love and sensitivity to God's spirit that they desire always out of reach. If I had known this for myself, I would have paid much closer attention to my own heart a long time ago. I spent my lifetime not truly receiving the Father's love for me. I understood He loved everyone, but I couldn't receive it personally for myself to be assured of it. I was even saved as a child at 7 years old! That is a long time to not feel love from my Father in Heaven.

Hearts Lacking Love

I found out about the state of my heart, as I began to search for God in a way I never knew Him before. I found Him, but He promptly directed me to look at my heart. I have spent quite a long while trying to undo what I allowed to stack up in my own heart for years since childhood. It was not easy trying to undo years of neglect of my heart after a lifetime of hurts. It really does all boil down to a lack of love. Both in receiving it and in giving it. IT starts by not feeling love yourself then not showing it much afterward.

Think about it: The Pharisees and Pharoah were stubborn and hardened in example situations mentioned in the Bible. They weren't showing love in any type of fashion. Pharoah was angry, and hurting from perceived betrayal, the death of an only child, and the Pharisees were jealously judgmental!

Loving Others or Protecting Self?

You may feel as if you DO love others. I thought the same. I was saved, knowing the Truth, and Jesus' command to 'love our neighbors as ourselves.' However, I didn't go to them to care for them always. I didn't see people with compassion in every situation. Mostly I saw people as ones to see with distrust, doubt, and judgment out of self-protection. This is many times done out of fear or to protect self from words, treatment, and control. I was even a nurse by trade, and I genuinely loved people. I wouldn't have become a nurse if I didn't, but I wasn't always moved with compassion for others outside of work. I found myself just fatigued with people.

I also allowed myself to be abused by people in my past. As a result, I became distrustful and hardened to true needs around me. I trusted no one and became suspicious of everyone. I used that excuse to justify myself in not reaching out to people in love as Jesus commanded. While it seemed legitimate to me at the time to protect myself, it was not the angle God wanted me to have. He wanted true healing in my heart so that I could mirror Christ as Christ loved others.

Guarding the Heart VS Forming Walls

The Bible tells us to guard our hearts but NOT to form a wall around them to keep people out. The 'guarding' mentioned in Proverbs 4, is meant for us to check our hearts daily. This is to make sure that we keep a soft heart of forgiveness toward others who offend or hurt us and remain sensitive to God in it. This is just as a starting place!

We don't always want to believe that we are the ones that need to do any soul searching. After all, others hurt us! I will say this: Anything we go through in life that keeps us in a state of validating a hurt done to us, justifying our lack of obeying the command to love others as the scriptures say to do, goes against God's commands and puts us against God's word.

Walls Keep Us Bound in Pain

This place, while it feels justified at the moment, causes hardening of our hearts and keeps us bound in pain. It also keeps us in a state of insensitivity to the commands and the voice of God. We become insensitive to the Spirit of God and limit His ability to move within us. I know this only because God revealed it to me. When He did, I was horrified and in Godly sorrow. It broke me to know I was in defiance to Him.

I thought I was the one needing my hurts healed-- and I was--but I was also the one that created my whole predicament. The Lord is concerned for many of His children in this same place. I would have never known if He hadn't stepped in for me.

Do You Have One?

On this note, lets discuss some of the most common characteristics that a hardened heart can manifest. As lovers of God, we have been saved by amazing grace so of course we want to be who He wants us to be!

If you notice some of these in yourself, don’t despair. The blood of Jesus still covers hardened hearts, but your experience in flowing with the Holy Spirit's giftings can be hindered until you heal. God's desire is that all of His children flow in His gifts to them!

This inventory is one to take for our own information and soul searching with God. We will discuss in depth how one can heal from a hardened heart in the next blog on hardened hearts.

For now, take an inventory of your heart today. Your heart needs to feel again, and your heart needs hope. This hope is findable through the Word of God and in prayer. You can have a heart that feels and is sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Hardened Heart Inventory

Characteristics of a hardened, broken heart of stone may include a few of these or all of these in affected individuals:

• Hurts/Wounds of the heart = Wounds of the heart are very painful and they can stay with people from childhood. Individuals tend to shield themselves in several ways. It can occur with or without pride and legalism to compensate for it. Wounds of the heart generally occurred first in these individuals and then walls were created in an attempt to cover and shield pain. Wounds or hurts are common hallmarks of a hardened heart.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

• Disappointments = Disappointments in life can happen to us all. How we recover from them says a lot about our hearts. If individuals tend to gauge their life based on past disappointments and not the Truth of God’s Word (Like believing experience with something over what the Word tells us) then there is a problem with the heart. This leads to unbelief. We must remember to worship at all times. It truly is the answer!

“I will praise the Lord no matter what happens. I will constantly speak of his glories and grace. I will boast of all his kindness to me. Let all who are discouraged take heart. Let us praise the Lord together and exalt his name. For I cried to him and he answered me!" Psalm 37:1-4

• Trauma = Ongoing pain and trauma from individuals who hurt us without time to heal or be away from that treatment will almost always be a sure-fire way to have walls on hearts. It is a self-protection mechanism, and it will change how one's mind operates depending on the one potentiating the trauma.

  
  

• Depending on the type of trauma involved, individuals may need counseling to help this. It most likely will include emotional, mental, and possibly physical trauma counseling.

  
  
  
  

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3

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Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20

• I would encourage individuals to seek help from a counselor if trauma is severe. Severe trauma needs healing, counseling from the Truth of God that can love them and heal their heart. I am not attempting to bring a spiritual band aid for these poor people.

  
  

• Emotional trauma is just as debilitating as physical trauma because it stays around long after the physical trauma is gone within the mind. Mind renewal and Christian counseling will help individuals heal.

  
  

• Abuse = This goes along with Trauma above. There are different degrees, types, and may also need counseling along with mind renewal. Individuals may need removal from the abusive situation and safe boundaries. Counseling, safe community, and mind renewal will restore hope and healing.

“The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” Psalm 34:17

• Low Self Esteem = As with the above, low self-esteem can occur for many reasons. It could be as a result of what someone else may have called someone, or forced them to do, or simply how the enemy has convinced them to think of themself. This can be a lifelong issue, but mind renewal will restore dignity.

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." 1 Peter 2:9

"And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

• Unforgiveness = This a huge issue for hardened hearts. What I found with myself was that I thought I was forgiving others that hurt me. I would forgive in prayer, but then when I would see that person again, all the pain and ill feelings would sometimes come up again. I couldn’t see them or speak to them. I would avoid them. I always felt like I was safe because I'd 'forgiven' them.

“Make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3:13

• The Lord called me out about this unforgiveness. He helped me see that if I could love that person again knowing that He loved them, then I was at the point of true forgiveness. If I had difficulties in this, I needed to extend forgiveness again and again, until I could see the person again without pain or ill feelings.

  
  

• Unforgiveness is a huge open door for demonic oppression, so it's critical to ensure you've forgiven. Stored up unforgiveness turns to bitterness and affects all those around you.

• Unbelief = This goes in line with disappointment. We must align our beliefs with the Word and not allow our disappointments in life or in God to tell us what to believe or not to believe. God’s Word is Truth always and it will set us free as we believe what He says! The Children of Israel actually missed the rest God provided by their unbelief!

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." Hebrews 11:6

• Offense = This goes along with pride (below). When we are easily offended, we can tend to be touchy and honestly, very miserable. We need to be a people that are not easily offended. This has to do with our capacity to love, and it is usually brought on by unhealed wounds.

  
  

• When we have unhealed wounds, those wounds are still tender if not dealt with. Like true open wounds, the owner doesn't want anyone touching them because they are so tender. As a result, they become offended by so many things.

Psalm 119:165 AMPC: Great peace have they who love Your law; nothing shall offend them or make them stumble.

• You might feel like this doesn’t affect your sensitivity, but it does. These individuals are so wounded by the pain and the offense from the past that they foresee pain by others almost instinctually. They may walk around with a chip on their shoulder almost daring others to knock it off.

  
  

• These types of individuals can become very angry easily. A book that I have read states this is like the bait of a trap of the enemy in our lives. Once you take the bait of offense, it will open a door for the enemy to harass you until you tell him to get out!

^"Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Romans 12:19-20

• Stubbornness = This can go along with lack of trust. A person could genuinely be hardheaded, but they also may just be unsure and not trusting of others. We shouldn’t be blindly trusting everyone, but if we distrust everyone all the time without reason, there’s a problem.

  
  

• An example would be not lending a hand to someone who is poor and begging for money. If we always assume they have improper motives, then this is a problem. It keeps us from doing the very thing that God calls us to do as His people. We serve Christ in serving others. We don't want to miss Him!

"He who hardens his neck and refuses instruction after being often reproved (corrected, criticized) will suddenly be broken beyond repair." Proverbs 29:1 AMPC

• Control = This can be another defense mechanism from unhealed wounds. We attempt to control circumstances or people so that we can bear them or control how much pain we must go through, or so that we won't suffer pain. It is a way that we try to shield ourselves from things out of our control. It can come from fear of feeling hopeless and out of control in the past.

  
  

• It can also be learned or a habit, but it is not true leadership. Leadership is genuine when leadership is carried out in a way that benefits all involved, not just the one carrying out the role of leadership. God gives us the spirit of self-control, but not the right to control others.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2Timothy1:7

• Addictions/ Lust of the eyes and flesh = This is a coping mechanism for things that are too hard to bear or that maybe you don’t know how to cope with. It can also be a habit or an easy answer to “deal” with issues that seem too hard or out of your control.

  
  

• Addictions open the door to idolatry and greed in our hearts and easily take over our affections. It is a symptom of a heart that needs healing, and it again keeps us from being aware of other's needs.

 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12

• Pride = We all have some level of pride, and when we speak of pride, many will deny they have it. Many have religious spirits at work within, and they don’t realize that either. Pride can be a false pride that occurs to compensate for the way one was made to feel about themselves from the past.

  
  

• Pride can also blind us to the truth. It keeps us from realizing we need change. Can you see how this combined with having a hard heart (in the Pharisees) kept them blind?

"In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; (God) in all his thoughts there is no room for God." Psalm 10:4

Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5

• Legalism = Individuals locked into legalistic ways may attempt to ‘work’ for things, love, or approval from others without even realizing it.  It is rooted in the fear of man and stems from rejection in life somewhere and can reflect a lack of faith by relying on self and performance. They may feel like they are acceptable when they have done all the things they think should be done.

  
  

• The one affected may feel like others ‘owe’ them something then for what they have now done. This in turn can lead to entitlement, or in some cases, hurt feelings when others don’t give back what they feel is expected. It is easy to see how pride can get involved here as well.

"For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, “Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them.” Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for “The righteous shall live by faith.” But the law is not of faith, rather “The one who does them shall live by them.” Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”— so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith". Galatians 3:10-14

• Over/Under sensitive = This could look like over emotionalizing or withdrawal.  It can be rooted in offense as well. It can be different for different personality types, but the same issue is there. One may feel like the individual simply doesn't care for others or may be so over preoccupied with others’ opinions of themselves. Both prove an inability to be sensitive to others needs fully or to adequately feel love and acceptance from God or others.

"The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe." Proverbs 25:29

"Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense." Proverbs 19:11

• Anxiety/Lack of Trust = This can look like fear of not having needs met or being hurt again. Protective walls go up and there is a tendency to be suspicious of others’ intentions for fear of being hurt or being without something they feel they genuinely need. Some may have shyness as a result. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

• Numbness = This may look different for different personalities, but it appears as a general carelessness. They may knowingly withdraw or not. This can be because of unhealed wounds, trauma, abuse, etc. Some may even think to themselves, 'Why aren't I more concerned in this situation?' when they know they might normally feel differently under different circumstances. This comes from having a seared conscience, similar to being burned with an iron and having a scar. The callus keeps them from being sensitive.

"Now the Spirit expressly states that in later times some will abandon the faith to follow deceitful spirits and the teachings of demons, influenced by the hypocrisy of liars, whose consciences are seared with a hot iron." 1 Timothy 4:1

• Tendency to Try to “Read” Others' Emotions = This is in an attempt to ‘take others’ temperatures emotionally so that they can function at some level with others, in a protective sense. This will help them stay ahead of the ongoing emotions of others since they have difficulty sensing them normally. This can also include people pleasing. 

"...we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts." 1 Thessalonians 2:4

• Relationship Challenges/Lack of Intimacy/Facade = Individuals tend to lack enough intimacy in relationships because of their inability to show or feel love. This can even be in their relationship with the Lord. They have turbulent relationships that lack intimacy or depth; or a lack of them altogether. There may be a sense of needing to make a good impression at all costs. When one has to constantly put on a facade of some kind to have a close relationship, it is exhausting and so they tend to avoid intimate relationships where true thoughts may be seen for fear of rejection. They find themselves on the outside of relationships in this way, but they genuinely desire them. However, the fear of others truly knowing how they really feel, and think is terrifying to them. 

“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” – Ephesians 4:25

“Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.” – Proverbs 12:22

• Tendency to Look Inward More/Self-centeredness = Those with this issue may not necessarily be selfish per se, but they may be more likely to look inward because of past wounds as we have said. This may look like selfishness to others that may not otherwise understand them. Regardless, it can take our eyes off others and put them more on ourselves and our own needs.

"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience..." Colossians 3:12

Conclusion

Can you see yourself or someone you love with these same characteristics? If so, remember there was probably pain first for all of these genuine individuals. In all honestly, the saying that we all are products of our past is very true. If we never question why we are the way we are we cannot change in a way that pleases God. Many of us have been the way we have been for many years not knowing there was any other way to be. This post simply was created to help others know there is healing and hope along with another way to live in freedom.

The next post, we will talk about how to heal from these hearts. It requires much honesty with yourself to do it correctly. The ripple effect in your life will be dynamic. Sit with the Lord in prayer and have the Holy Spirit help you. Ask Him to help you see yourself clearly. When done thoroughly, the payoff will bring more joy and peace in your life than you may have ever known.

I pray this post helps you move forward quickly in your spiritual walk with God than it's taken me. Writing this is a confession of my own, but it was one the Lord wanted me to share with many others that are affected through this life. For me, it was so humbling to admit to myself, but sharing it was one of the most loving things I could do for others that were like me. I pray it has you flowing with the Holy Spirit in no time! God bless you on your journey to identify and heal your heart. You can be healed, whole, and set free again. Stay tuned for the next post on healing from hardened hearts.

Check out our online store, Abba's Attic Treasures! If you need more info on the Warrior Bride arising there are several posts to choose from. If you need more info on how to receive Christ or on how to inspire creativity in your intimacy with Christ, we have just the posts for you. IF you are just starting out in your journey with Christ start here.